


we will keep shining in my mind

by kiwireads



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Heartbreaking, Love, Nightmares, One Shot, Short One Shot, Tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:15:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28149684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiwireads/pseuds/kiwireads
Summary: a little yumikuri/yumihisu one shot i came up with while listening to star by loona. placed after season three events.historia in mourning after the death of her lover.
Relationships: Hitch Dreyse & Annie Leonhart, Hitch Dreyse & Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss, Hitch Dreyse/Annie Leonhart, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss & Ymir, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir
Comments: 6
Kudos: 51





	we will keep shining in my mind

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you like this short one shot. feel free to leave criticism or thoughts in the comments! 
> 
> i got inspired by the song star by loona and [an artwork by @pi0w0pi on twitter](https://twitter.com/pi0w0pi/status/1337670072584732676?s=21)

“My dear Historia… “

“YMIR! “Historia woke up startled, eyes wide open and tears running down her face. _It happened again…_

Her nightgown was soaked with sweat and sticking to her skin, the sheets not much better. Historia’s bed stood right next to the window and the full moon tinted the whole room in a dark blue glow, but still it felt too dark, she needed more light. She was shaking from the nightmare she just woke up from and the darkness of the night was not helping in calming her down at all.

Her head hung low as she tried to reach for the small lamp on her nightstand. With a little pull of the string, it turned on, the room suddenly illuminated by a warm shine. Slowly she raised her head and looked around the room, having problems to remember where exactly she was. Her hand went up to her hair and pulled out the hair band that was holding up the blonde strands. _Why did it happen again?_

She kicked the blanket away and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Her feet were barely touching the floor as she reached for the cardigan she had worn to bed last night. It probably got shaken off by her due to the nightmare.

It has been months, months since she read Ymir’s last words towards her. And it had been months since she wasn’t able to sleep through a full night anymore. Her heart was aching, aching so much for someone who was long dead. _Why was it so hard for her to move on?_ Deep down she was already aware what the answer looked like.

Ymir was the one who gave her the key to being herself, _“I have no right to tell you how to live. So, this is just... a wish of mine. Live your life... with pride.”_

So why wasn’t she able to, why was it so hard for her to just fulfill Ymir’s last and only wish. She wanted to, she knew at heart that she did, so why couldn’t she just. If Ymir was watching her right now, she would be disappointed. Disappointing Ymir was the last thing Historia would ever want. And so with that tears were streaming down Historia’s face again and her fingers gripped violently into the bedsheets. She was angry with herself; she could not afford to be so weak. She had a duty to follow, she was queen now and didn’t have to worry about anything anymore. She needed to rule over the three walls, there was no place for a sleep-deprived and mourning young adult.

Trembling she stood up, the tears still covering her cheeks as her hand went to open the drawer in her nightstand. The letter she pulled out was starting to rip apart at the edges of where she had folded and unfolded it so many times, she couldn’t even recount. The sepia-colored paper in her right hand, she dried her eyes with the sleeve of her left arm and started reading the words she practically knew by heart.

-

A sunbeam shone through the window of her office and warmed her from behind as she was sitting at her desk. Reading through reports of the scouts and signing them approved was a boring job compared to her life in the scouts, she wanted to be back on the field and directly help, but instead she had to silently follow her role as queen. Later she would meet with Hitch Dreyse from the military police brigade for Tea. It maybe would have seemed odd a few months ago but now it felt so ordinary, meeting with the ash-blonde had become something that just had to happen so she would be able to feel at peace during the day.

Over the last ten months Hitch had become a friend to Historia in a way she would have never imagined. The first time they talked was at the ceremony after the battle in Shiganshina and shortly after that Historia asked Hitch to be her guardian, that had to follow her everywhere. It didn’t matter that Historia had trained with the Survey Corps and was perfectly capable of defending herself, the commission had other thoughts, and so she followed suit.

The bags under her eyes she had covered with light makeup but that didn’t change the fact that she constantly felt tired and spent, waking up every night due to these nightmares.

Her eyes closed she leaned back in her chair, pictures of Ymir’s face immediately flooding her mind. A soft smile formed itself on her face as she imagined Ymir cupping her face and giving her a kiss on the forehead like she had always done in the dorms during their days as cadets. Sometimes she felt as if she could still feel Ymir’s lips on her skin. But with every day passing by, it got harder and harder. Historia felt herself starting to forget Ymir’s face, the light freckles covering her warm brown skin and the dark brown hair thrown into a lazy ponytail. Ymir’s hair always fascinated Historia, in sunlight it looked like a warm dark brown but sometimes it took on such a dark hue, that it even seemed black. Sometimes she spent, what felt like hours, just brushing through it with her hands, while Ymir was resting her head on Historia’s lap, telling her jokes and stories she thought off on the spot.

A knock on the door woke her out of her little daydream and she asked with a weary voice, “who is there?” Hitch entered the room with an annoyed expression on her face and walked over to Historia’s desk. With a heavy sigh she let herself fall into one of the two chairs in front of the big table. Hitch should have been here an hour ago, her job was to accompany Historia throughout her whole day but the both of them knew Hitch loved sleeping in and Historia loved having some alone time in the morning, so the both of them had made the silent agreement to let Hitch sleep in every day.

“You were thinking of her, weren’t you,” Hitch softly asked, gesturing to the small tears in Historia’s eyes. The blonde quickly dried her eyes with the little handkerchief she always kept on her. She hadn’t even noticed that she had started crying and internally scolded herself. “So how has your morning been, my queen? I heard that after tea we are going to visit the orphanage,” Hitch questioned. With a sigh Historia looked up, “My morning? Like always. And you heard correct, we are finally going to visit the orphanage again, it has been two weeks now since we have last visited it, it’s getting time I pay the kids a visit.”

Hitch smiled at that, since Ymir left Historia had helped building up the orphanage and regularly visited it. She would play with the kids and talk to them for hours, she was wonderful with kids and during the time at the orphanage Historia’s face showed pure joy and peace. It distracted her from thinking about Ymir too much.

“Well then,” Hitch started and got up from her comfortable position with a jump, “let’s get going my queen. The journey to the Orphanage is not a short one, so we better clear out our schedule!” Historia slowly got up and forced herself to throw Hitch a little smile, she was thankful for Hitch’s enthusiasm and she was looking forward to seeing the kids.

-

The lounge in Historia’s wing of the castle was the most comfortable room for the two young women. The atmosphere, that came with their regular tea sittings, in the room made it feel like home. A feeling both of them longed for a lot. “Have you visited Annie before coming to me today,” Historia asked before slowly taking a sip from her cup.

They were seated at a small table, right next to the window, in two armchairs. Hitch was glancing out of the window with a look, that Historia knew meant she was holding back tears. It was hard for Hitch to talk about Annie and she rarely did it with people, Historia being the only exception. They both comforted each other in that sense. Historia having lost the one person who truly ever believed in her and Hitch having to deal with the loss of her best friend and not being able to talk to the girl she fell in love with. 

With a pained smile Hitch turned to Historia, “Yes, you know I would never start my day without a little small-talk with a crystal. And you? I see your hand resting on your pocket. You have the letter with you, don’t you? Ah Historia,” she sighed, “one day that piece of paper is going to completely rip apart…” Of course Historia knew that, but it physically pained her to leave the letter in her room and not take it with her everywhere. She feared that if she left it in her nightstand’s drawer, somebody would come and take it. That fear sounded so irrational, even when she was just thinking about it, but she couldn’t help herself, she just needed the letter with her, at all times. Her head just sunk low in response.

“The nightmares still not gone yet?” Hitch didn’t have the best sense of empathy, but Historia didn’t mind. Bluntness was much better than when people acted as if she was weak. “No. Every night I wake up screaming her name, last thing I always see is her getting eaten, being killed or dying some other way,” her voice was shaking as she replied, “I don’t even know what exactly happened to her. Sure, I have a faint idea but what did she look like in the last moments before her death? Do you think she smiled? Or did she cry? Or maybe both? All I know is that she didn’t regret her decision, that idiot…” She sniffed.

Historia resented the fact that a lot of her thoughts about Ymir were rather sad ones. She wanted to remember the little amount of good memories she had with Ymir. There weren’t really much, but the ones she had helped her through the day so often. Ymir’s playful teasing was one of the things she probably missed the most. Some days she found herself looking to her right side, waiting for a cheeky comment and that daring smile, when she made a mistake. Historia giggled quietly, a soft but pained smile on her lips as tears fell from her ocean-blue eyes. Ymir’s smile used to always light up her day. It meant home to her and so often had she wanted to kiss that stupid smile away. She should have just done it. That was probably her biggest regret, not having kissed Ymir. But now it was too late and that fact hurt her.

“You know, Historia, I know for a fact she smiled. Maybe with tears in her eyes but she was able to tell you what she wanted. She knows her last words to you pain you, but she got her last word to you. And I know this is going to sound super cheesy but bear with me being nice for once; she is still with you, in your heart and mind. Don’t fight the nightmares and thoughts about her, it will only make you lose your mind in the end. You two might not be able to shine together in this world anymore, but you will keep shining in your mind and in your heart together,” Hitch spoke and took a big sip from her tea before continuing, “She’s with you, close to you.”

This was probably the first time Hitch has been so compassionate and Historia’s eyes had widened a little. Hitch shot her an annoyed look and leaned back in her armchair, “Anyways, I found this new bakery. It’s pretty close to the castle so I thought we should pay a visit and get some sweets for the kids.” At the word kids, Hitch rolled her eyes. She didn’t like kids that much; they were loud and usually didn’t like her either. Historia giggled and didn’t respond to Hitch’s small moment of empathy she had before, she knew the young soldier probably didn’t want to talk about it, so she didn’t mention it. But it did shift something in her. People were usually afraid to speak about Ymir so openly to her, because they thought she would break down in tears or something.

“Thank you Hitch.” “You know it’s my job to guard you, my queen,” Hitch responded with a grin on her face, “and now I believe it’s time to visit the orphanage.” With that she stood up, leaving her empty cup on the table and walked across the room to the door. Before opening, she turned around and looked back at Historia with a smile, “What are you waiting for, my queen?” Historia hastily drank the last rest of her tea and leapt up from her chair. “I’m coming,” she called out to Hitch before she hurried through the door after her friend. She smiled to herself as she was walking next to the tall woman, listening to her stories about all the gossip in the military police brigade.

_We will keep shining in my mind, Ymir._


End file.
